Gratitouille, part deux

I went outside, just now, to see the moon.

I was standing on my back porch, reveling in the awesomeness that is my perfect backyard.

I was looking up at the stars and wishing my husband was with me, because I feel like talking to him.  I usually do at this hour when he's trying to sleep.  (He's at Scout Camp, this week.)

I'm just thankful, tonight.  It's a good night.

Am I really here?

For a week or so, I've been doing a LOT of eye-rolling.

I mean, really... all the graduations are nauseating.

Preschool? 8th grade? Seriously?

Fast forward to tonight:

I'm sitting at my son's 6th grade "graduation".  He didn't wear a lame paper tasseled hat.  He didn't wear a mock gown or get handed a "diploma".  But they called it a graduation, nonetheless.

They even had cake.

But, I'm sitting there, and I'm watching the video his teacher put together of all the pictures he's taken throughout the year... and I may or may not have been sniffling, a little...

...and I think, "How did we get here?".

I know it may seem trivial to some.  It would've to me, had I been hearing of someone else's kid "graduating" 6th grade or spending their last days in Elementary school.

But... my oldest.  He's going into Middle School.  He's made friends he so very clearly meshes so very well with.  He's finding himself.  He's learning what he's good at and what he loves.

And I've been along for the journey.  I've had the opportunity and pleasure of seeing him learn and grow and change into the person he's going to be.

What a ride!

So I say, celebrate.  Take those mediocre milestones and embrace them, because they might not be the biggest accomplishment in a child's life, but they're an accomplishment, nonetheless.

And not just for the child, but for the parent, too.

Well-timed blessings

Our house finally sold!

And we're finally buying a house!

And I'm so excited!!

The Lord in His great Awesomeness never ceases to amaze me.

Multifaceted

I've been working outside of my home for two weeks, now.

I grew up wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom.  I thought I'd be good at it; wanted to be there for my kids and all, just like my mom was for my siblings and me.

I used to even judge those who chose to work and didn't have to.  I never understood why they'd want to give up this precious and ever-fleeting time they were missing with their kids.  I felt sorry for them in their poor choices.  I haven't been this way, for a while, but once upon a time, I was.

Thinking back to when I had my first baby, I had it very stuck in my head that nursing was it; nursing was the very best thing a mother could do for her baby and that's what I was going to do.  Nurse.  No pacifiers, no bottles, nothing of the artificial nipple sort of any kind.  Strictly nurse.

Then I had my baby... and tried nursing.  For two months, even.  He cried.  And cried.  And cried.  He was never satisfied, never seemed to latch on properly, always took forever on each side, just to be hungry, all over, again.  I was frustrated.  And stressed.  And not sleeping.

One night, my mother-in-law, after probably listening to us struggle, yet, again, for what seemed like hours, came downstairs (I lived in her basement, at the time) and offered to make me a bottle.  I was feeling quite defeated.  I accepted, reluctantly.

And you know what? It worked.  My baby ate.  And slept.  And I slept.  And this continued for pretty much his whole liquid diet career.  He was happy.  I was happy.

I still think nursing can be the best thing for a baby.  If it works.  It just didn't work for me.  And that was ok.  I bottle-fed all four of my kids and they turned out just fine.  We bonded just fine.  They are all healthy and well-rounded individuals who are seriously turning out just fine.

I mention this because staying at home just hasn't been working for me.  I have always felt restless, but didn't quite know what to do about it.  I couldn't work - that would mean putting my kids in a daycare.  That word's been like a four-letter word to me and I wanted to avoid it with everything in my power.  I'm a control freak and didn't want anyone else raising my kids.  That was MY job.

But I'm working.  And my kids are in daycare.  And they're fine.  They're happy.  They love it, even.  I love doing something I'm (getting) good at and getting PAID for it, even.  It's great!

And we're fine.  We still get time, together.  I still get to have the biggest influence on my children.  We're still bonded.

It's all good.

Plan B... or something like that.

The contract on our house fell through.

I'm back on facebook.

I haven't lost anymore weight.

I haven't gained any, either.

I haven't really been trying, though.

Ever feel like you've hit a dead end?

My son has GeoTrax.  He has a track piece that looks like this:



This is what comes to mind when I try to envision my life, right now.  I feel I've arrived at the part of the track that just ends.

No growth.  No learning.  No progression.

Nothing.

I'm in the process of re-evaluating this situation.

I think it has a lot to do with my spirituality and sanity levels.  Maybe even my motivation levels.

I've been babysitting.  I've gotten to the point in this vocation where I block it all out - I get on my computer or delve into my current book or whatever - whatever it takes to get away from the noise and the chaos and the kids and life (these are pretty much all the same thing, p.s.).

So, I'm stopping.  I'm burned out.  I've actually been burned out for quite a while, but had a good day/moment when I thought, Hey - I can do this, again!

Yeah, right.

I've written myself a letter explaining how this is a bad idea, should I ever try to do this, again, in the future.  My husband's assured me he'll shoot me if I even mention it.  (ha ha)

So, what now?

That's the question on my mind, lately, with a lot of things in my life.

What, now?

My house isn't selling, so what, now?

I haven't been losing weight, so what, now?

I have three rather large piles of (clean) laundry in three different rooms because of daycare distractions, so what, now?

I don't feel the connection with my Heavenly Father that I have in times, past, so what, now?

We've been eating out way too much because I'm too worn out from babysitting to make dinner and we've spent too much money doing this, so what, now?

As I type this, the song "Work Work" by Britney Spears is playing on my music-playing-device (clean version, of course).

That's my answer.  Stop being lazy.  Stop just waiting for something to happen.

Make it happen.  Get up.  Move.  Stop hiding in books or in computer land.  Just do it.

Do something about it, already.  Put the laundry away.  Read my scriptures.  Pray.  Exercise.  Stop eating out - put something in the dang crock pot, for crying out loud.

As for my house? What more can I do? Have faith.  Keep having faith.

I also have something new I'm checking out to hopefully bring more money into our home, but it's taking a smidge more research and soul searching before I publicly commit.  Should be fun, though.  A new adventure always is.

Lazy.  Procrastination.  Moping.  I need to cross these words out of my mental dictionary.  I need to step it up and bring my A game.

I need to be ME, again.

In other news...

Since I'm not getting on facebook for the month (and I'm still quite ok with this), I have to tell the world somehow...


WE SOLD OUR HOUSE!!!

Woohoo!!

That is all.

For the Record...

Today's one of those days I feel rejuvenated.  I feel ready for something new... something big.

I'm restarting what I had started many months, ago, that caused me to lose a lot of weight.  I've stalled over the holidays with only a 4-5 lb. loss since right before Thanksgiving.  Not too shabby, but it's time to get serious, again.  ;)

By the end of this month, I'm hoping to be down another few pounds... three would be nice.  Maybe four.  (Trying to be realistic.)  I'm going to step up my exercising and stop eating candy, again.  I don't drink pop, so that's helped.  Also, I'm going to refrain from eating anything that's had sugar added to it by man.  I'm also going to make better carb choices and be more aware of what I eat and when.  My water intake is going to increase to what it was, before, too, which is where it's supposed to be.

My ultimate goal, for the foreseeable future, is to be down another size by my birthday.  That gives me 2.5 months... If I can be down 10 lbs, by then, I think this would be doable.

And...... GO

Still No Facebook...

Day 5.

Still don't miss it.

I was reading through my blog, yesterday, going down memory lane...  It was nice.  :)

I've been spending more time OFF my computer because without facebook, what, really, is there to do but pay bills? BORRRING.

So, I'm off to read a book.  A real one.  With pages to turn and the smell of so many people who've read it, before me.  The good kind.

;)

Let. Go.

Not being on facebook leaves a lot of time for... pretty much everything else.  *wink*

I have a testimony of the Lord.  I know He's my Savior.  I know He's got my back.  I know He knows me and what I struggle with.

He knows me.

That means everything in my heart that's hurting, He knows.  Everything in my head that I'm so proud of, He knows.  Everything I want to make better, He knows.

He knows without me telling Him.

But if I don't tell Him, if I don't ask for His help, that line of communication isn't always open.  Like a parent watching their child struggling with a new task or something difficult, they want to jump in.  But the wise parent chooses not to.  They sit back and wait.  This gives their child the opportunity to see what they're made of.  It also gives them the opportunity to learn humility when they find they cannot accomplish the thing on their own.

So, they ask.  And the parent most willingly obliges.  They knew the child's struggle; knew what they were capable of, but still let them learn.

I love this about the Lord.  He knows what we're capable of, knows what we can handle, and lets us have the opportunity to see what we're made of.

Now for the humble part...

Detox

Day two of no facebook.  Can't say I miss it.

For real.

I just watched the Super*yawn* Bowl and I kept thinking, "I'm so glad I'm not on facebook, this month." (ha ha)

It was becoming such a habit to check it all the time.  It wasn't like I was super curious about anything or absolutely had to know what was going on in everyone's lives, it was just something I kept doing.  I found it was really starting to get old and annoying.  Which is partially why I set this goal, in the first place.  What a time waster!

Although it's been nice getting to know people that I've just been acquaintances with, in the past, I've learned new things, become politically literate (sort of), tried new recipes I've found, read touching stories, come across inspiring quotes, I was just getting so tired of it.

I saw something, the other day, on facebook, actually, that summed it up about right:



I'm finding it to be a very nice relief to not have this distraction in my life.  I'm not even having withdrawals.  (Yes, I know it's only day 2, but really, I do not miss it.  I don't see myself missing it.  Like, at all.)

If I do go back to using it, I want to only use it for communication purposes.  It really has been nice being connected with so many people.  There are some that I feel I could/would be good friends with if we were to ever be able to hang out, in person.

I'm excited to see what this week brings being facebook-free.  :)