Santa ruins everything.

If I could have a do-over, I think I would rethink the whole Santa Claus thing.

I asked my older two, yesterday, if they had a good Christmas.

They both said yes but not convincingly.  When I asked further, they both said it's just not the same.

The magic is gone.

They've both known for years that Santa is a tradition and not the stalker who breaks into our house once a year.

I remember the year I found out, too.  It was hard.  I think it's been hard every year, since, too.

I posted about my struggle with finding Christmas and how I was looking in all the wrong places for it.  It was still hard.  I couldn't truly get into the Christmas spirit until later on Christmas Eve.  Then all day Christmas, I kept trying to find the joy that wasn't whole-heartedly there.

Someone mentioned on Facebook how their kids were grateful for what they got and how that really added to the specialness of the day.

I think my kids were grateful.  But they were focused on the "getting".  I was always focused on the getting, too, when I was a kid.  I think most kids are.  Even as an adult, I don't get many presents (sometimes none) and it makes me sad.  I would think and hope that giving my children the perfect gift would be enough - and it should be.  And it has been in the past - I love seeing their reactions when I feel like we found just the right thing!

I think having a belief in Santa Claus causes one to mostly focus on the "getting", though.

I loved Christmases as a child.  I have so many fun and wonderful memories! We had fun traditions and spent time with family and ate great things and listened to great music and my dad always went out of his way to keep the magic of Santa alive.  (My mom tells me he still runs around the house of my nieces and nephews with bells on Christmas Eve.)  I was always so excited about Santa coming and waking up to loads of material goods in and around my stocking!  Christmas as a child was magical!

But then Santa went away and I was left with trying to find the magic, anyway.  My parents raised me well - they took us to church and taught us the true meaning of Christmas.  We even did the 12 days of Christmas to people most every year (bringing gifts to their doorstep and running like crazy so we wouldn't get caught).  I was definitely taught it's better to give and how God gave His only begotten Son.  I was taught that the first and true gift of Christmas is love - more specifically, a parent's love for His children.

Every year I'm tempted to tell my youngest two the truth about Santa.  I want to help them alter their focus every Christmas season to "What can I do for others?".  I want them to want to make it special for those around them instead of keeping the magic to themselves.  I want them to look forward to the response of those they chose the perfect gift for.

I was watching an old home movie, last night, of a Christmas from my childhood.  We used to draw names amongst each other as brothers and sisters.  We would then separate and buy that person the perfect gift.  My youngest brother had one of my sisters and he bought her a pocket watch.  He was so proud of that gift! He was five, I think, at the time.  My sister had me and got me some things I still have to this day.  They were so special and uniquely chosen, just for me.

As I remember these things, I'm thinking I just need to do a better job with my own kids so we can feel the magic every year without Santa being the main source.

I'm so glad Christmas comes every year so we can get that do-over.  It's been a good holiday season.  It's hard to say goodbye but I'm looking forward to a new year and celebrating every holiday and every day all over, again.

Where Are You Christmas?

Every year, I fight this inner struggle - I try to ward off any guilt for not being or feeling or doing enough Christmasy celebrating.

Last year, I felt satisfied.  I was perfectly ok with saying goodbye to Christmas and the season - I felt like it was enough.  I wish I could remember what it was I did to make it that way because this year, I'm struggling.

There's a campaign going on, right now, that pretty much every Mormon knows about - #LightTheWorld.  I have two calendars with ideas and didn't do a one.  I've been plagued with guilt about this, especially as I see others posting about it all over social media.  But, it occurred to me a couple weeks, ago, one doesn't need to follow a calendar or post every little act of service to be lighting the world.  There are things I've done.  I didn't post about them because I don't think service should be something you really post about unless it's something that's helped you grow spiritually and truly touched your own life or helped your testimony grow.  I did feel like I was making a difference, though, so that helped me feel less guilty about slacking in the organized service area of my life.

Speaking of organized service, I usually try to fill our advent "calendar" (it's a train with doors) with acts of feeling or spreading good cheer.  I didn't even unpack the train till sometime after December had long since begun.  It still sits empty and thinking about it makes my heart sad.  My family's complained about this tradition I've tried to uphold and I swore I would never let that stop me from doing it.  This year, I just didn't plan very well and didn't get it out in time for December 1st. 

I usually delight in putting up what little Christmas lights I have on the outside of my house... but this year, I didn't do that, either.  I got them out, found 3 of the 7 strands I have are the only fully working strands, got overwhelmed with where I would put them and now they just sit in a pile on my front porch.  Then I talked myself out of doing it because it would only be a couple weeks before I had to take them back down.

To be fair to myself, something rather stressful happened at the end of November and then my family started getting sick, one after the other, including myself.  I was pretty worn down for a good part of the first two weeks of December.  The germs starting amassing right before Thanksgiving and haven't relented pretty much since.  We usually decorate the weekend after Thanksgiving, but for some reason, we just didn't.  I blame the germs.

Speaking of germs, we bought a real Christmas tree at the peak of my own sickness - I couldn't even smell it.  I fought my husband to get one for that very reason.  Now the smell is gone and it's quit soaking up water... it's ready to be retired.  Good thing we're only a couple days away from Christmas.

I feel like depression is looming and I'm desperately trying to find ways to keep it from winning me over.  I've been trying to lose myself in Christmas music and books and movies and activities... only to resurface and still find it there waiting for me.

A friend of mine mentioned on Facebook how she's having a hard time feeling the Christmas spirit, this year, too.  She then mentioned her realization that as she's been listening to Christmas music on the radio, it occurred to her not one had mentioned Christ, so far.

I've always been a secular celebrator.  As a child, this was always enough... the sights and sounds and smells and memories... they all made Christmas feel so special and wonderful.

As I adult, I've been finding these things less and less satisfying. 

As I pondered these things this morning, a song played on the radio I've heard plenty of times but never really paid much attention to:

"Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?

"My world is changing,
I'm rearranging.
Does that mean Christmas changes, too?

"Where are you Christmas?
Do you remember
The one you used to know?
I'm not the same one,
See what the time's done.
Is that why you have let me go?

"Christmas is here...
Everywhere, oh!
Christmas is here...
If you care, oh!

"If there is love in your heart and your mind,
You will feel like Christmas all the time.

"Oh, I feel you Christmas...
I know I've found you.
You never fade away, oh!
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us,
Fills each and every heart with love!"

It's from the movie, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".  I saw it for the first time, this year.  Cindy Lou Who asks the adults in her life what the meaning of Christmas is... and she's told it's all the secular celebrating - the presents and shopping and hustle and bustle.  She doesn't buy it.

At the end, of course, the Whos all realize what she'd been trying to say the whole time, "Maybe Christmas...doesn't come from a store.  Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more."

I received this article in my email, today, and it made me think of a Nativity set that was gifted to me.  It's missing the centerpiece - the baby Jesus. 

I've been looking at thrift stores for a random piece I could replace it with, but after today, I think I'm going to turn my search, elsewhere.  I took this from the article and am printing and laminating it:

To all who wish to understand who we are as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I would like to offer a starting point defined by these three words: We seek Christ.

We seek to learn of Him. To follow Him. To become more like Him.

Every day throughout the year, we seek Him. But especially at this time of the year—Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of our beloved Savior—our hearts are ever more inclined to Him.

Throughout the year, and perhaps especially at this Christmas season, it would benefit us to once again ask the question “How am I seeking Christ?”

During this Christmas season and throughout the entire year, may we seek with our hearts and souls our beloved Savior, the Prince of Peace, the Holy One of Israel.

I am going to lay it in the center of this set every year, now.  I've been looking for Christmas in all the wrong places. 

It doesn't matter that I haven't been following a calendar of good deeds and posting about them for the world to see.  It doesn't matter that I haven't filled my advent train or put up my lights or watched every single movie I've ever watched at Christmastime, ever.  It doesn't matter that I couldn't smell my "real" tree or didn't decorate my house when I normally do or that we haven't done half of the things we normally do this time of year.

"Somehow or other, {Christmas}{will come} just the same!"

These things don't make Christmas.  They'll never fully satisfy.

I've been looking in all the wrong places. 

Christmas is found by seeking Christ.