Tomorrow.

My kids go back to in-person school, tomorrow.

Normally, I'd be excited for this day.  Back in March, and even April, I think, I was excited for this day.  Maybe even in May.

Tonight, though, my feelings are mixed.

I'm not afraid of the virus (come what may and all that).

For six months, I've had my family in our home, together.

For six months, we've faced the trials that are plaguing the world, today... in our home, together.

For six months, we've been creative with what groceries we could find, used toilet paper sparingly, been grateful for locking doors and food storage... in our home, together.

For six months, we've shared the internet - supporting two full-time work-from-homers and 3-4 online schoolers... in our home, together.

For six months, we've eased into hanging with friends, again, mostly at our house... in our home, together.

Tomorrow, I'm sending my boys out into the world, again.  To be influenced by who-knows-what-and-who.

Tomorrow, my boys will be leaving our home for sevenish hours a day, most days of the week.

Tomorrow, my house will be quieter, my food will be more plentiful, and my kitchen will be cleaner.

No more lunchtime pool games between my boys, no smallish child constantly asking for access to my gum supply, no more after lunch Minecraft gatherings among my four. 

Tomorrow, my world gets turned upside-down, again, and I'll have to readjust to the new norm and create new routines.

Tomorrow, I will miss having all my family home. 

I'm not worried about the virus.  I'm afraid of not being the only influence in my kids' lives.  

I know it's not realistic to keep them protected from all the things all the time.  

They have to learn to choose and think for themselves and use the tools I've tried real hard to supply them with.  

They get to practice using their manners and serving others and being a friend.  

They get to be good listeners and cooperators and helpers for their teachers (I hope...).  

My 11 year old is excited.  He said it three times this evening.  He said it through tears as he was struggling through more math.  He said it as he was cleaning up his "work station" at our kitchen table.

My 8 year old is not excited.  He wants to stay home.  He doesn't realize his learning is better when he's with a patient teacher.  He doesn't realize he needs the opportunity to learn to control his wiggles.  

I'm confident we made the right decision to send them back.  It's still hard.

My Heart Was Beginning to Fail

I saw something on social media the other day that angered me.  I was so angry, I was shaking - so bad that I could hardly repost the outrageous thing I had just witnessed that clearly the rest of the world needed to be aware of.

A friend of mine posted a response that, in my anger, I saw as an attack on my actions.

I responded with firm words, making it very clear how I felt.  I didn't want to be mean but I needed it known where I stood.

She then responded, again, clarifying what she posted.

Back-step to right before that - right after my "firm words".  

I was working on a project that caused me to be on my knees.  After I left my rebuttal, I sat back and felt I was not alone.  The Spirit took me by the shoulders, it seemed, and just sat there with me, waiting for me to recognize what He knew I needed to hear.  This is all wrong.

In that moment, I became aware.  I felt the love of my Heavenly Father.  He reminded me of the person I am and claim to be and the things I value in myself.  He saw that I was heading down a path that I would regret.  The anger was entering my heart and taking hold.  He saw clearly that I was quickly losing sight of myself and helped me see it before it was too late.

He knows me, is mindful of me*, and knew that if I were truly aware of what was happening, I wouldn't be happy.

Go back to my friend's second response... She said she hesitated in posting what she did but felt prompted by the Spirit to do so.  With her words, it became even more clear to me the message I was supposed to hear:

If I'm not careful, my heart will fail me**.

Contention is in the air.  We are experiencing events that have been prophesied by many.  We have been admonished to #HearHim.  The Lord knew it would grow increasingly difficult to discern between the voices in our hearts if we don't fine-tune our skills in hearing the right one, the one that will guide us down the right path back to Him.

There are better, more effective ways to make my voice heard and effect change.  Blasting on social media does not achieve anything but the spread of negativity.  The adversary isn't picky how this happens, and by my posting something that I felt strongly was in pursuit of justice and standing for what's right, I was simply helping him spread more hate.  I do not want to be an instrument in the wrong hands.

I see more and more this anger I spoke of spreading to the hearts of those I know and love.  Don't let the voice of the adversary be louder than the voice of the One who knows and see all and has the power to, nay, has already overcome, the world and all of its rising evil.  Take a step back.  Check yourself.  Don't let your heart fail you.

*verse 37
**verse 26

Ignorance and Bliss vs. Fuss and Bother

My brain has been on overload these last few months.

My anxiety levels have been so high I've toyed with the idea of going back on medication.

I tell myself, yes, it's always an issue (my anxiety), but a pandemic does not necessitate the usage of mind (and possibly personality)-altering drugs.

Some days, I actually believe that.

My chest feels constricted when I think of the rising numbers.  I don't even need to say which numbers I'm referring to.  We all know.

I haven't read about any riots in a bit... mostly because I haven't been reading about anything for a bit.  I hate social media, these days.  People aren't letting the best in them come out.  It's getting ugly out there.

I know there's a lot going on in the world... upcoming election, the blaming of the President for everything bad happening in our country, people stealing stuff from places as a pathetic form of protest, cops being blamed for everything the President isn't being blamed for, people dying from a virus that knows no bounds, people dying from acts of violence and racism, fires burning bigger around me... I know.  But I don't want to read about it. 

So, I'm not.  Not for a while, anyway.

It's too much. 

I like living in my own little world where we're still trying to unpack from a recent move.  I'm glad we don't have to go out as much (moving is so dang expensive!) and that we're all healthy.  I'm glad I have a job that doesn't pay me what I'm worth but didn't stop when the rest of the world did.  I'm glad my husband has his job that didn't stop when the rest of the world did.  I like my family being home all the time.  (I didn't, at first... but now it's going to be hard to see them leave come time for it.) 

I have so much to be thankful for; that's my focus, these days.  The things that are going right in my own world, not all that's going wrong in the rest of it. 

Seeing the Good

About a year, ago, I wrote about my phone dying.  (My last post.)

I was feeling so discouraged and frustrated, I needed to remind myself of the things I had instead of dwelling on the things I didn't have.

Little did I know what would be my lot a year later... The lot of the whole world, actually.

More than ever I find myself making an effort to be grateful.  Some days are easier than others.

Our world has been turned upside-down.  I'm acutely self-aware and know that in order to function effectively, I need time to be by myself.  I'm also convinced I'm high-functioning (mostly) OCD.  I know a lot of people say they have it as a quirk to their personality, but I feel I would actually be diagnosed with it, if given the chance.  Having my family home when they're not supposed to be and using food and consumer goods more than we're used to using and messing things up and being noisy when things are normally clean and quiet has been rocking my boat.  On top of that, I've had to amend my normal daily schedule to include homeschooling on top of working full time and trying to arrange for a house transfer.  (We're moving.)

For about a week or two, I began spiraling deep into a debilitating mixture of anxiety and depression.  I think my subconscious was sensing the coming stay-at-home order because this all happened before we were largely encouraged to stop living our lives as we knew them.

If any of you know anything about me, you know I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I went to Him in prayer one night, giving Him my burden that was growing increasingly unstable.  He took it and impressed upon my mind, "It will be ok".

The next morning I awoke refreshed and ready for anything because I knew I was not alone and that everything would, in fact, be ok.

I started noticing things that bring me joy among all the chaos:

My gas budget is very pretty, right now.  Not driving hardly anywhere combined with the lower gas prices has given us a nice chunk of change to tuck away.

My kids have expressed the desire to hang out with each other more than friends and have been playing together and inventing games and creating an atmosphere of fun (messes).

My whole family is home and safe and healthy.

My husband and I are both blessed to be able to work from home without losing any time or income and I could not be more grateful for this.  What a huge blessing.

My two oldest kids were already doing online school so I didn't have to come up with ways to teach to high school kids (my 5th grade math skills are being challenged enough, right now... haha).

I have everyone home to help clean and pack up our house, a task I am used to doing by myself.  That's been nicer than I thought.

My kids have amazing teachers and an amazing school.  The supplemental resources they have been providing have greatly boosted the curriculum I devised on my own.  I'm glad for this.

I avoided social media for a bit because of all the panic posts... now I see all the good and positivity being shared by so many.  People are inherently good and are finding it in themselves and I love this.

I wanted to record these things because writing is my passion; I love words and putting my thoughts into them.  I want to be able to look back and see that we made it through.  I want the reminder that when times are hard that all I have to do is pray and I'll remember I'm not alone - that everything will be ok.

A year from now, I'll be preparing for my second child graduation and my third child will have the Priesthood.  My kids will be in school and though I'll be enjoying the "alone time", I'll probably miss my family a little and remember to cherish every moment I have with them.  My oldest will likely be out of the house and we'll probably feel that absence, greatly.  We'll have been in our new house for a year and will hopefully have all the boxes unpacked.  haha

It'll be nice to look back and be glad I'm not in this, anymore.