Better

I always get so sad at the ending of the Christmas season and it's all I can do to snap out of it as the day passes.

But, like clockwork, Spring Fever kicks in the very next day and I'm ready to put the Christmas stuff away, ready for the snow to melt, ready for regular music and ready for a new year.

I'm excited to set new goals for the year, smaller ones.  I'm really, really excited that my goal to lose weight is already well underway.  I'm now the same weight I was when I got married.  I'd like to be another size by the time my birthday comes around.  I think that's an attainable goal.

I'm excited for longer days and warmer weather and for the opportunity to do experience all the holidays a year has to offer, all over, again.

I have so many things I want to do and learn, this year! Let's do it! :)

Enough?

Does anyone else feel unsatisfied every Christmas?

I'm not talking about not getting the right gifts...

I always feel like I should've listened to more Christmas music.  Sure, I listened to the radio station that plays it 24 hours a day, but what about my CD's? There's always at least five I didn't listen to.

I always feel like I didn't enjoy the Christmas movies when they were playing, enough.  Did we watch them all?

Could we have driven around and seen more lights?

What about the mall? We didn't even walk around to see and feel all the coolness of the holiday decorations and excited shoppers.

Not to mention, we missed the parade, this year.

Why do I always feel this way come Christmas day? I have several Christmas books I didn't even read.  I didn't do enough Christmas-y crafts with my kids.  Sure, we cut out snowflakes, we made snowmen (twice), we even did a Nativity scene family activity.  We went sledding.  But we didn't make the gingerbread cookies I said we'd make... We forgot the tradition of letting our kids pick out their own cereal for Christmas morning.

Christmas fail? I hate feeling like it was.

This holiday season, we've had the opportunity to serve and be served.  We got to show our children how wonderful it is to give of ourselves, and we were so blessed to be the recipients of such blessings.  We DID go sledding.  We DID read the story of the first Christmas in the Bible.  We DID spend time together as a family.  We DID have the tree and presents and saw SOME lights, and even started a new tradition for the month of December.

Fail? No.

Was it enough? Is it ever? I'm so grateful for the promise of a new year and new opportunities to do fun things with our family all throughout the coming year and for the wonderful repetitiveness of the holidays.  I'm grateful for new beginnings and bittersweet endings.  I'm grateful for this life and all it has to offer.  I'm grateful Christmas comes every year; that holidays come and go; that memories are made; that we always have the opportunity to do it better; to live more fully, to learn and grow and be.

What a wonderful time of year this is.

So, here's to cramming in just a few more movies and listening to the same songs until you're sick of them.  Here's to the lights and sounds and smells and fun of this time of year.  Here's to being with family and friends and eating food you normally wouldn't eat and doing it all over, again, next year.

Here's to Christmas.  :)

12

12.

A number that's been on my mind a lot, lately.

My son just turned 12.  This is a big age.  He's received the Aaronic Priesthood and has started passing the sacrament in church.  He's a Boy Scout.  He's even sounding more and more like my husband.  He's taller than I am by at least 3 inches and borrows his dad's snow boots.

*sigh*

Where has the time gone?

Well, I know where.  It's all jam-packed into the fine lines and wrinkles I see appearing on my face and probably hidden in the white hairs I pluck on a weekly basis.  (I'm not going to dye my hair - I'm just going to go bald.  ha ha)

I'm turning 36, this (next) year.  I have a love/hate relationship with getting older.  I tell people I've made my peace with it and that I even embrace it.  And I have and do.

But...

I feel life creeping by faster and faster, every day and every week and every month and every year.  I want to start really making it count, you know?

I've recently made some big decisions about my life that have already enriched the quality of it.  I'm already accomplishing the goal I normally set year after year to lose weight (down another pound, even, this morning!), so this year, I'm doing something different.

I want to set a goal for each month.  I don't know what they are, yet.  I have an idea, though.  Maybe make something crafty one month (or a few things).  Maybe learn something new another month, maybe read at least one book a month about something or someone important.  Maybe have a goal for every aspect of my life set for every month.  (Spiritual, Mental, Physical, Family, Self, etc.)

I want to make this year one I can look back on and say, that was good.  I'm ready for what comes next; bring it on.

I want to be able to do that with my life.  

Starting with this year.  :)

Priorities and Inner Peace

I recently read something that is the icing on my week of really good cake.

I need to back up a smidge, though...

I'm a mom.  I stay at home with my kids.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to do this.  My mom did it and I loved it.  I wanted to be that mom.

I don't think I ever knew what that entailed, though.

I remember when I was around 15 or 16, my mom said to me she wanted to run away and never come back.  I'm thinking it was out of frustration of being a mom because I remember thinking (and probably saying) something along the lines of, "Well, it's not OUR fault we were born... you sort of did this to yourself."

I remember thinking she was selfish in thinking these things.

Fast-forward to my life, now:  I have apologized to my mom for ever thinking such things.

For a while, now, I've longed to re-visit my past life in the medical field.  I have been so unsatisfied with being "just" a mom.  I felt I had no marketable skills; that no one would ever want to hire me should I ever need to get a job.  I felt I had to get my foot back in the door of the business world.  I feel it's safe to say I even hated my life and who I was.  I felt trapped.  I felt there was nothing I could do and I pretty much felt like nothing.

I wanted to run away and never come back.

Coming upon some unexpected financial obligations that we could've met without me working (but not very comfortably), I decided to look for a job.

I had interviews.  I had people circling things on my resume they loved.  I had people telling me they loved me and wanted me to work with and for them.  I was even offered more pay than I would've expected having not worked outside the home in over a decade.  It felt pretty awesome.

Then came the madness of trying to find daycare... What. A. Nightmare.  I've done daycare in my home and MAN was I giving people a sweet deal!

I finally found someone I felt I could trust who wouldn't charge me all of my pay and then some and had the date set to start the new job.  I had the new wardrobe (business casual and scrubs!).  I had my alternative workout schedule planned.  I had it all set.

All of this was accomplished while experiencing so much stress and anxiety that I was losing sleep, not wanting to wake up the next morning (just to avoid having to deal with and/or think about it all over, again), losing HAIR, losing my temper, and questioning and re-questioning if I was doing the right thing.  I had to keep convincing myself this was all a good thing; that this is what I've wanted for so long.  It was only part time, after all.

So, I wasn't surprised when, the night before this was all to take place, my husband asked me if I was ready for this and all I could barely mutter without crying was, "no".

I wasn't ready for this.  I wasn't ready to leave my kids for however many hours a day in the hands of someone I'd only met once.  I wasn't ready to miss out on precious little moments of them being little and never being able to get that back.  I wasn't ready to worry about how I was going to do all I did at home without a job, let alone with a job.  I wasn't ready to face the possibility of something becoming more important to me than what already was:  my family.

See, I think my mom and I faced the wanting to run away crisis for the very same reason:  We both gave and gave and gave and didn't think to make sure WE were taken care of.  Isn't that what being a mother is, after all?

No.  I've decided it's not.

How can you fill other peoples' buckets if your own is empty? How can you give 100% if YOU are not 100%?

I've made it known that I've been successful for the first time in my whole life at losing weight.  I've been doing something I love, something that's just for me.  BUT, that thing doesn't take away from the quality of life of those around me.  I decided anything I do for myself should never take away from the quality of life of those around me; namely, my family.

I shouldn't have to convince myself that something is right if it really is right.

I decided, after talking for a long time with my husband, that I really did want to stay home with my small ones.  I wanted to be home during the summer for my big ones.  I knew in my heart that my place is still in my home.

Through this experience, I finally feel at peace with my past, like I've been able to find closure and let that door close.  I'm not missing out on anything by being home.  I'm doing something so important and huge right here in my own home.

This week, the week I've supposed to have been working at a new job in new clothes with the new daycare, I've been able to be home with my sweet ones.  I've been there for the random hugs of my smallest one.  I have truly cherished every moment with them and wouldn't have, otherwise, had I not had the opportunity to go through this experience.  I'm grateful for this experience and the opportunity to choose to be home, again.  I don't feel trapped, anymore.  I don't feel like I'm nothing, anymore.  I was able to see that I DO have marketable skills, that people would want ME to work for them and they saw things in me that no one's seen (or even known about) for so very long.  It's been a sweet experience.  I would face the stress and anxiety all over, again, because I'm so thankful for what it brought into my life.

I love being at home with my kids, I love being their mom.  I love being here for the little moments that I would have missed.  What a sweet blessing.

This brings me back to the article I read.  I hope you've read it.  It's worth it.

This is only temporary.  

Some of the most powerful words I've ever heard.  They hold new meaning for me, now.  I'm grateful for them and I'm truly grateful for my calling as a mother and that I get to be home for the biggest and smallest moments of my life and my children's lives.

My own version of a Christmas card for the masses.

and

for you

for me

handy

a-bubblin'

as can be

hang low and threatenin'

it won't

and it may

the brightest

glows in every 

waitin' for 

day

waitin' for 

daaaaay!

That's one small step for man...

...and one giant leap for my family.

I got a job! I haven't had a job in over a decade! To say I've been having anxiety and panic-attacks and so much stress.... well, that's pretty much accurate.

I've been up and down about this, losing sleep, losing my temper, even losing HAIR.  I cut five inches off my hair to help, even!

But, I've found a good daycare, I have the appropriate wardrobe, I have even found a good exercise schedule (that was a non-negotiable)... I think I'm finally ready.

We have come upon some financial needs that we weren't prepared for with a house we own in Gillette, WY and weren't sure how to pay for them.  We're going to seriously cut costs in our family, but I've wanted to get back into what I was doing before I had kids for some time, now.  Well, since I stopped, really.  I missed it.  A lot.  My kids need a break from me, during the day, but I didn't want to abandon them, completely.

For now, my hours are family-friendly.  I think, eventually, they could turn into more of a full time thing, but we're part time, now.  I can do that.  It'll bring in the money we need and get my kids some much-needed, provided-by-someone-else structure, and I'll be doing what I've loved doing in the past.  :)

I'm trying it for 30 days.  If it's not worth it to my family for me to do this, I'll stop.  I don't see that happening, though.  I think it'll be good.

Still a little nervous, though.  ;)