Priorities and Inner Peace

I recently read something that is the icing on my week of really good cake.

I need to back up a smidge, though...

I'm a mom.  I stay at home with my kids.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to do this.  My mom did it and I loved it.  I wanted to be that mom.

I don't think I ever knew what that entailed, though.

I remember when I was around 15 or 16, my mom said to me she wanted to run away and never come back.  I'm thinking it was out of frustration of being a mom because I remember thinking (and probably saying) something along the lines of, "Well, it's not OUR fault we were born... you sort of did this to yourself."

I remember thinking she was selfish in thinking these things.

Fast-forward to my life, now:  I have apologized to my mom for ever thinking such things.

For a while, now, I've longed to re-visit my past life in the medical field.  I have been so unsatisfied with being "just" a mom.  I felt I had no marketable skills; that no one would ever want to hire me should I ever need to get a job.  I felt I had to get my foot back in the door of the business world.  I feel it's safe to say I even hated my life and who I was.  I felt trapped.  I felt there was nothing I could do and I pretty much felt like nothing.

I wanted to run away and never come back.

Coming upon some unexpected financial obligations that we could've met without me working (but not very comfortably), I decided to look for a job.

I had interviews.  I had people circling things on my resume they loved.  I had people telling me they loved me and wanted me to work with and for them.  I was even offered more pay than I would've expected having not worked outside the home in over a decade.  It felt pretty awesome.

Then came the madness of trying to find daycare... What. A. Nightmare.  I've done daycare in my home and MAN was I giving people a sweet deal!

I finally found someone I felt I could trust who wouldn't charge me all of my pay and then some and had the date set to start the new job.  I had the new wardrobe (business casual and scrubs!).  I had my alternative workout schedule planned.  I had it all set.

All of this was accomplished while experiencing so much stress and anxiety that I was losing sleep, not wanting to wake up the next morning (just to avoid having to deal with and/or think about it all over, again), losing HAIR, losing my temper, and questioning and re-questioning if I was doing the right thing.  I had to keep convincing myself this was all a good thing; that this is what I've wanted for so long.  It was only part time, after all.

So, I wasn't surprised when, the night before this was all to take place, my husband asked me if I was ready for this and all I could barely mutter without crying was, "no".

I wasn't ready for this.  I wasn't ready to leave my kids for however many hours a day in the hands of someone I'd only met once.  I wasn't ready to miss out on precious little moments of them being little and never being able to get that back.  I wasn't ready to worry about how I was going to do all I did at home without a job, let alone with a job.  I wasn't ready to face the possibility of something becoming more important to me than what already was:  my family.

See, I think my mom and I faced the wanting to run away crisis for the very same reason:  We both gave and gave and gave and didn't think to make sure WE were taken care of.  Isn't that what being a mother is, after all?

No.  I've decided it's not.

How can you fill other peoples' buckets if your own is empty? How can you give 100% if YOU are not 100%?

I've made it known that I've been successful for the first time in my whole life at losing weight.  I've been doing something I love, something that's just for me.  BUT, that thing doesn't take away from the quality of life of those around me.  I decided anything I do for myself should never take away from the quality of life of those around me; namely, my family.

I shouldn't have to convince myself that something is right if it really is right.

I decided, after talking for a long time with my husband, that I really did want to stay home with my small ones.  I wanted to be home during the summer for my big ones.  I knew in my heart that my place is still in my home.

Through this experience, I finally feel at peace with my past, like I've been able to find closure and let that door close.  I'm not missing out on anything by being home.  I'm doing something so important and huge right here in my own home.

This week, the week I've supposed to have been working at a new job in new clothes with the new daycare, I've been able to be home with my sweet ones.  I've been there for the random hugs of my smallest one.  I have truly cherished every moment with them and wouldn't have, otherwise, had I not had the opportunity to go through this experience.  I'm grateful for this experience and the opportunity to choose to be home, again.  I don't feel trapped, anymore.  I don't feel like I'm nothing, anymore.  I was able to see that I DO have marketable skills, that people would want ME to work for them and they saw things in me that no one's seen (or even known about) for so very long.  It's been a sweet experience.  I would face the stress and anxiety all over, again, because I'm so thankful for what it brought into my life.

I love being at home with my kids, I love being their mom.  I love being here for the little moments that I would have missed.  What a sweet blessing.

This brings me back to the article I read.  I hope you've read it.  It's worth it.

This is only temporary.  

Some of the most powerful words I've ever heard.  They hold new meaning for me, now.  I'm grateful for them and I'm truly grateful for my calling as a mother and that I get to be home for the biggest and smallest moments of my life and my children's lives.