Pearls of great price.

I feel pretty fantastic.

I can sleep.  (OSA diagnosed and being treated with oral device.)

I can see.  (Astigmatism in each eye diagnosed and being treated with glasses.)

I can think.  (Bipolar {finally} correctly diagnosed and being treated with proper meds.)

I feel pretty stinkin' fantastic.

The world is my oyster.  

Making My Peace With 4

Four kids.

Four birthdays.

I've been struggling with this.  I've been doing some soul-searching... why has this been so hard for me? Why have I been craving a baby so badly?

Soul-searching...

I mourn the fact that I never got to enjoy my babies or having them or even holding them.  I miss what I was supposed to have, what I did have, but didn't want.

I want it, now.  I wish I could go back or do it, again; but the way it's supposed to be done - with happy tears instead of sad tears.

I prayed about foster-turned-adopt... No dice.  My family wouldn't have it, anyway.

I knew it was ok to put a stop to my child-bearing abilities.  Heavenly Father knew I needed it that way.

So, why? Why do I feel I need a baby so very badly?

My baby turns four, Sunday.

Four.

He's not a baby, anymore.  He's practically self-sufficient.  I'm all-to-quickly being pushed from the baby stage of motherhood to the bigger kid stage.

I remember longing for this; not wanting my baby to grow faster, but freedom.  I wanted my freedom.  I felt I needed it, to stay sane.

I have it, now.  And I need to make my peace with it, this milestone of motherhood.  It's bittersweet, really.

I've noticed my little boy seemingly struggle with this transition, as if he, too, isn't quite ready to grow up a little more.  I hear ya, buddy.  I hear ya.

So, slowly, I've been telling myself to hold the sweeter memories of littler people in my heart, while I strive to embrace this next step of my life and keep moving forward.

Silly, I know.  But it is what it is.

New Year's Resolution

A {failed attempt at not being cliche} New Year's Recollection

I came up with this grand idea, a few days, ago, to not set goals for the coming year, but to give recognition to the things I had conquered and accomplished.

Seemed so very anti-cliche, at the moment, but then - Facebook happened.

Post after post seemed to be of people "not" setting goals, but giving recollection to the past year's accomplishments and conquerings.

I was all ready to blog about this thing - this great, un-thought of, novel idea to not look at oneself to see failings in order to set goals, just to inevitably fail all over, again.  No, I was going to blog about all the wonderful things we could be looking at in our self-reflection.

But, no.  It had already been thought of.

I'm not naive, enough, to actually think that no one in the whole wide world even considered thinking this way.  I felt a little deflated, just the same.

But, seriously, I had a good year.  I came out, on top, even.  Feeling a bit old, mind you, but, yes, on top.

Me:  1            2015:  0

Actually, it's probably more like:

Me:  37           1978-2015:  0

I've survived another year with its trials and curve balls.  I've been grateful for many, many things (at appropriate times, I hope).  I've had my faith and strength tested and came out stronger in both aspects.  I've relished so many moments, appreciating them for what they were.  I've made and shared memories with those around me.  I kept Heavenly Father at my side.  Rather, I recognized that He was there, all along.  I've made new friends, saw family I hadn't seen in years, made contact with family I've never even met, and have a bright outlook for the year to come.

I have a goal in life to be able to look back with no regrets.  Can I say that, so far? Yes.

Ha - yeah, right.

Are there things I wish I hadn't done in my life? Words I wish I had never said or even thought? Hearts I broke that break mine just thinking about it? Things I did that needed forgiving? Things that were done to me that needed forgiving?

The answers to all these questions is, obviously, yes.

And, yet, I have the gracious opportunity to feel quite the contrary.

I cannot imagine how I would feel about myself or my life or even the past year, had I not known about the Atonement.

I don't want to get all mushy; I have a very strong testimony of the Atonement and of Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father who made this all possible.

I'm grateful for 2015.  I'm glad some of it is over; other parts I wish I could do, again.  I'm grateful I can look back with no regrets.  I'm thankful for my Savior.

Here's to a new year of carpe-ing the diem, of making new friends, creating new memories and doing it all with the Lord by my side.

Happy New Year!!