I learned something, today. Or, more accurately, the Lord helped me understand something more clearly, today.
My anxiety is triggered by my fear of losing control. I'm a control freak, so this is a daily occurrence.
I hate messes. I hate, hate, hate crumbs. Clean surfaces, orderly organization, things saved and not used, no excess papers, clutter-free rooms... oh, how I love these!
Enter my four children. And sometimes my husband.
Daily. Occurrence.
One thing that has been plaguing my mind, lately, is guilt. I suck at being a mom. Or so my thoughts have been saying.
Why do I feel this way? I literally work from morning till night and then some to do and be and teach what I know is right. Always, always, always, I pray for guidance and answers and more guidance.
So why aren't my children doing exactly what I teach them to do? Why don't they clean the way I do? Why don't they choose what I choose or like what I like or be how I am? Why don't they love what I love or serve the way I serve?
I'll tell you why. Agency. The bane of every teenage parent's existence.
I can't dang make my kids be who I want them to be or think they should be. I can't control this.
The Lord helped me understand, today, that I am doing what I can. I need to keep doing what I can. I need to set the example. I need to teach and do and love and serve and guide and be as I know to be true and right. That is my job. And I am doing that job.
My kids' job is to choose for themselves, just as I had to do once upon a time. I certainly haven't followed in my own parents' footsteps in a lot of areas. But they taught me well. I saw their examples. I saw the things I wanted to do differently or better or my own way. I don't think I turned out too shabby. They taught me to be smart and choose wisely, following my heart and using the Lord as my guide. I saw them do this.
My kids see me do this. They're not going to fit into my mold. They're not going to be me.
What I learned today is that this is ok. I have no reason to feel guilty unless I fail to do my aforesaid job.
I've even come to realize I do this in my own marriage. It's caused unnecessary struggle over a lot of years. I'm grateful to be learning this, now, so I can make it better, now.
I'm so grateful for this lesson, today. It's been weighing so heavily on my heart. I feel that has been lifted. I'm making a record of it so I can have it as a reference as I'm sure I'll need a reminder from time to time.
