Worth a Piece of Gum

When I was in Jr High, I got the foolish notion to start hanging out with a new group of "friends".  They were middle-class cool.  I wasn't on the "coolness" scale if you will, I was just a background singer in the High School musical that was my life.  So I thought, this could be good.  My real friends thought it was a jerk move, I'm sure.

One day during math class, one of my new "friends" noticed a guy sitting near us had some gum.  So, naturally, she held out her hand and pretty much non-verbally demanded a piece.  He gave her some, of course, because he, too, was middle-class cool.  (Middle-class cool means he wasn't a football player or a cheerleader; you know, upper-class cool - and he, in particular, was not a nice boy.  He was a jerk-face to a lot of people, so I'm not surprised by what came next.)  Well, me being a part of this new group decided I fit right in and held out my hand, too, with the attitude of I totally deserve a piece of that gum because I'm just as cool.  He looked at me like I was an idiot and didn't give me a piece.  Still, I held out my hand like, dude.  I deserve a piece of gum.  He still didn't give me one.

That "friendship" didn't last long.  I quickly realized they weren't the kind of people I would hang out with.  They talked about dumb things (boys and kissing boys) and really, they weren't very nice to pretty much anyone who wasn't part of their group.  I'm not that kind of person.  So, though we still grouped/partnered/whatever in classes we had together, I stopped hanging out with them in general. 

Anyway, my point is this:  Lately, I've been feeling so much like I don't deserve a piece of gum.  I feel like I've been putting up a front, trying to keep this facade of who I want people to think I am.  A good mom, a good wife, a good person... I've been battling a lot of negative self-talk, lately, and it's growing harder to quiet that ugly voice in my head.  "You're a fake.  You're not good at this.  You actually quite suck at this.  You so do not have it all together.  Who are you kidding? It doesn't matter what you do, anyway.  No one cares.  No one listens.  Just stop trying.  You're not good enough for this.  You're an idiot.  You don't deserve the gum."

You know what? That voice is wrong.  That voice is a liar.  That voice lost the fight and wants me to lose, too.  I value the opinion of that voice even less than I did that cocky soccer player in my math class.  Why am I listening to it? Why do I even let it have space in my thoughts?

I AM good enough, I DO my best, I NEVER QUIT.  I buy my own dang gum and share it with anyone who wants a piece. (Seriously, though - I almost always have gum if you need some.)

It has been so hard to tell it to "get thee hence".  I've been praying that I don't stop hearing the voice that matters, that I don't get dragged down to the deep abyss of seemingly no return.  Please don't let me drown.  In those moments, a small thought enters my mind - what sort of greatness am I capable of, is in my future, that the adversary feels so threatened right now? What kind of power do I wield that he feels the need to take me down so intensely? I've set some goals for the year... well, more just things I want to make better.  Not huge, unobtainable things, just things that will help me find the joy in my life.  Is this going to have such a positive impact that the adversary can't allow this to happen?

Good always wins.  It's already won.  He's already lost.  He's a loser.  I, on the other hand, am not.  And I have the Lord on my side.  I have everything.  The adversary has nothing.  Nothing.